Also on the bill, Gotta Be Karim, Black Spade, Vandalyzm and Hollyweerd. This should be a good one.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Black Milk show in Atlanta next month
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Gotta Be Karim live
Gotta Be Karim now lives in Atlanta, but he's originally from St. Louis, where he hooked up with the Pitchfork-praised (by me) rapper/producer Black Spade. For those unfamiliar with Karim's stuff, you can download his digital album for 10,000 Apples for free or just peep this kinda old but awestastic performance from St. Louis with another hot emcee, Vandalyzm.
Baby I'm Black (But only from the waist down)
Don't click "read more." There's nothing more to read. It's just an html glitch that I don't know how to fix.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Movie Convention #1
Movie convention #1 is where they’re playing tennis and a "friendly" game turns nasty, resulting in someone smacking the ball and hitting their adversary square in the noggin and knocking them down. The players are usually women.
Why this is preposterous: The adversary is almost always standing at the baseline, because tennis-joke writers don't know anything about rushing the net. But in truth tennis-joke writers don't know anything about tennis, period, because no one has enough power or accuracy for this situation to occur.
This happens in: The Witches of Eastwick and probably Wimbledon with Kirsten Dunst. If you can think of other movies this happens in or would like to recommend other movie conventions, please use the comments section. Read more...
Friday, May 22, 2009
More Things That Annoy Me
So much annoys me! Grrrr!
1. People who complain about Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity being "angry."
Yeah, so were Susan B. Anthony and Malcolm X and and Upton Sinclair. If you feel strongly about something you're wont to get angry. It's not a flaw in itself.
2. People who complain about iTunes prices.
So recent-hit songs are now $1.29 instead of .99. Remember when you were a kid how cassingles were $3? That's a savings of like eight billion percent when adjusted for inflation. Further, downloading pop rap singles brings me more pleasure in life than anything I can write about on a family blog. Recently I snagged Flo Rida's "Suga" and Soulja Boy's "Kiss Me Thru The Phone." How much longer will I hold out until I use money I could have used to buy one-sixth of a well cocktail on Maino's "All The Above"? Probably about four seconds!
3. People who hate on auto-tune and T-Pain.
Auto-tune is clearly our generation's contribution to history. So what if it's going to date us worse than disco and bell bottoms squared and taken to the power of each other.
4. The movies of Kelly Reichardt.
I've already gotten flack for this opinion on Facebook. People can't understand why I don't like molasses-paced, insincere, patchouli-scented feature films full of existential mumbo jumbo. Well, I'll tell you why. I don't want to see movies about wealthy white people slumming it in Portland unless Gus Van Zandt is directing. I kept waiting for that poor guy in Old Joy -- who had to listen to Will Oldham babble for an hour and a half -- to bite his ear off Tyson-style. That would have gotten him to be quiet. Go see Wendy and Lucy just to know what it feels like to be stuck in a Myanmar prison.
5. Steve Phillips and Rick Suck-cliffe
Others have already explained why Steve-O, the former Mets' GM who tried to get rid of Jose Reyes, puts the "tool" in "too-tally un-tubular." But I'll forgive for a moment his criticism of Carlos Beltran, who is probably the best all-around player in the game short of Albert Pujols. Just tell me this: What's with the goatee, bra? Are you and Rick Suck-cliffe, the world's second worst announcer, going cruising for peg-legged trannies after the game? (Okay, fine, so Johan has a goatee, too. But since he is technically a diety and not a human he actually has no physical form and therefore no facial hair of any kind.)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Things that annoy me
1. The phrase "last, best chance." So is it the last chance, or is it the best? The phrase reminds me of the Simpsons scene where Kearny requests some of Apu's "finest, cheapest cigars." (The full quote: "Furthermore to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my ID which confirms my adultivity.")
2. Guys at my gym who box. Bro, this isn't a boxing gym. It's the kind of gym where people read US Weekly while running four miles instead of three because they haven't been there in two months. So why are you over in the corner, punching the facility's sole bag like this is Rocky IV?
3. The Hoboken library's system for alerting me that my requested item is in. I love the Hoboken library, and they usually get me my books quickly. But though I always check the box that says "Email me" -- not the one that says "Call me" -- they invariably call me. (Recently I asked them to stop, and they said they would, but they didn't.) Then they ask, "Are you going to come in and pick it up?", as if I were planning to renege on the deal. And before I even come in they check the book out, meaning it's now just sitting there on the shelf, getting due-er.
4. How they make you watch the FBI warnings at the beginning of a DVD. You can't fast forward through that crap, even the French part! They don't make you listen to the copyright warning on a CD, so why should you have to watch it on a DVD?
5. Phil Shaap This guy has hosted jazz shows on Columbia University station WKCR for the better part of three decades, and is a total blowhard. I enjoy non-actively listening to jazz like everyone else who's not a middle-age balding weirdo, but this guy is constantly interrupting the music for 10 minutes at a time to drone on about what Charlie Parker's back-up session drummer ate for lunch in 1942. But my main beef with the guy is this: A few months ago I called the station and politely asked if they would consider reading my marriage proposal to my then-girlfriend over the air on a future program. Romantic, right? Except, Shaap didn't even hear me out. He got irritated, said he was busy and then hung up on me. (Don't worry, we still got engaged, but Phil Shaap is not invited to the wedding.)
Update: Tons of people hate him.
Another update: There's an entire New Yorker profile on him.
6. "I can't believe it's [day of the week/month/season] already!" The worst part about people who say this is they always look to you for confirmation. Like, it really shouldn't be Thursday, there's been a horrible mistake. Sorry, lady, but I just go by what the calendar says. Your being out of sync with the passing of time is of little interest to me. Ka-pow!
Read more...
Friday, January 2, 2009
"Yes Man" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" are the same movie
Hollywood movies are so formulaic. Right?! But the formula has changed slightly. In the old days the male lead was made more sympathetic by the death of his wife, like in White Palace. But nowadays the male lead is made more sympathetic by getting his ass dumped!
How else are movies the same? Let's compare Yes Man to Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which I actually saw this time.
Yes Man After getting dumped by his girlfriend, Jim Carrey mopes around all day, watching movies from Blockbuster.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall After getting dumped by his girlfriend, Jason Segel mopes around all day and looks at old pictures of her.
Yes Man Carrey's friends say, "You need to get out of the house and get over it! Let's get drunk."
Forgetting Sarah Marshall Segel's friend goes out with him to get drunk. Meanwhile, his doctor says, "You also need to get laid." (This is very similar to The 40-year-old Virgin.)
Yes Man Carrey meets Zooey Deschanel and gets his mojo working.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall Segel meets Mila Kunis -- who my fiancee inexplicably thinks is hot -- and gets his mojo working.
Yes Man Carrey's ex Molly Simms sees that his mojo is now working and tries to get him in the sack.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall Segel's ex Kristen Bell sees that his mojo is now working and tries to give him a blowjob.
Yes Man Carrey heroically resists, setting the stage for him to walk into the sunset with Zooey Deschanel.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall Segel heroically resists, setting the stage for him to walk into the sunset with the midget Kunis.
Oh, and this may be yet another example of my whiteness (which pisses off Matos to his core), but product placement really bothers me. In Yes Man when Carrey talks about Red Bull for about a full minute I was ready to puke all over the Jersey City moviegoers in front of me. Then again, that could have been because they were talking throughout the film!
Read more...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Fuck fruitcake?
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The unfair persecution of fruitcake needs to stop.
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